Advice

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Never go to bed angry.

 

For that matter, it’s not great to go to bed feeling despondent, either.

 

Or jubilant, come to think of it. Who the heck could drop off to sleep in a mood of jubilation?

 

So, never go to bed in any extreme of emotion.

 

Assuming you’re not feeling much at all — a bit resigned would be okay, I think, or mildly content — it’s okay to go to bed. But remember that when you’re brushing your teeth, move the bristles in a vertical or circular motion, not side to side.

 

If you brushed across the tooth, don’t go to bed. You did it wrong.

 

Also, what do you wear to bed? Personally, I think it’s kind of gross to sleep in the underwear you wore all day. I mean, think about it. (But not too much — disgust is a strong emotion.)

 

So you have a couple of options. You can wear pajamas or you can change your underwear. Or both, but that seems like too much.

 

But don’t wear a nightshirt. I tried one of those a long time ago. I forget why. Anyway, they ride up. I felt like my nightshirt was trying to strangle me.

 

Try getting to sleep when you’re worried that your clothing might kill you.

 

Assuming you’ve flossed and brushed correctly (in that order, I hardly need to say), you’re wearing a clean pair of underpants, and you’re just kind of feeling nothing much at all, go on to bed.

 

If you don’t fall asleep right away, never fear — PANIC is the appropriate reaction.

 

Ha ha. Just kidding. Look, I’m doing us both a favor. Laughter causes an increase in endorphins in your body. It’s natural euphoria. We’ll sleep better.

 

In truth, if you don’t fall asleep after a little while, I have a little trick for you.

 

Reflect on the fact that it’s possible that in January 2017, one of the Republican candidates — Ted Cruz is the one I imagine — may be sworn in as president of the United States. With everything that entails, including the authority to launch a nuclear attack.

 

Do that and one of two things will happen.

 

Either you’ll never be able to sleep again, in which case, you won’t be tormented by the thought that you should be asleep by now.

 

Or your own worries will seem trivial in comparison to the horror of a Cruz presidency, in which case you’ll drift off to sleep as you feel gratitude for my impeccable advice.

 

That’ll be a nickel, please.

 

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