Pet(ulant) Peeves



  1. Drivers who signal as they’re making a turn.
  2. Having to shave my ears.
  3. People who make pies when they could be making cobblers.
  4. Bad tattoos.
  5. “Could I have, let’s see, an iced coconut milk cinnamon dolce latte?” No, actually, you could not. You may have a “cup of coffee.”
  6. The very existence of fast-food drive throughs.
  7. Slimy lettuce.
  8. SUVs with names like Armada, Expedition, Flotilla, Patton’s Third Army, Death Star, etc.
  9. “Like.”
  10. Billboards.
  11. Climate-change denial.
  12. A straw in my glass of water at a restaurant.
  13. People who crowd me when I’m checking out at the grocery store.
  14. People in line who refuse to close the gap in front of them.
  15. Rudy Giuliani.
  16. Podcasters under the impression that we enjoy listening to them giggle and guffaw.
  17. Litter.
  18. Emails sans salutation. (Really? You can’t remember my name, but you still want me to do something for you? Or are you simply too busy to type “Hi, Jim”?)
  19. Chatty couples in movie theaters.
  20. Blurbs. (“Transcendent.” “A masterwork.” “Brilliantly inventive.” “Somewhere Dostoevsky is gnashing his teeth and ripping the hair out of his beard in a jealous rage.” “So captivating that I didn’t sleep for 144 hours and ultimately had to be hospitalized.” “Literally, and I’m not joking about this, literally reinvents the English language — I spent 3 years just learning how the articles ‘the,’ ‘a,’ and ‘an’ are used in this version of English and am now making progress on the syntax of simple sentences!”)

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